Looking for a Wife/Husband

FINDING AND KEEPING A LIFE PARTNER When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, noone wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50%,it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach tofinding Mr./Miss. Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged whythey're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love"; I believe this isthe 1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partnershould never be based on love. Though this may sound "not politicallycorrect", there's a profound truth here. Love is not the basis forgetting married. Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When theother ingredients are right, then the love will come. Let me say itagain: "You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone"; You needa lot more !!! Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you'reserious about finding and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION .. 1: Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for20 or 30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do youplan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together?You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need acommon life purpose .Two things can happen in a marriage: (1) You can grow together, or (2) you can grow apart. 50% of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work,you need to know what you want out of life! Bottom line : marry someonewho wants the same thing.

QUESTION .. 2: Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts withthis person?This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship.Feeling safe means you can communicate openly with this person. Thebasis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won'tget "punished" ; or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts andfeelings. A colleague of mine defines an abusive person as someone withwhom you feel afraid to express your thoughts and feelings. Be honestwith yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with theperson you plan to marry.

QUESTION . 3: Is he/she a mensch? A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can youtest? Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on aregular basis? Are they serious about improving themselves ? A teacherof mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving tobe good and do the right "; .So ask about your Significant otherwhat do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic?Usually a materialistic person is not someone whose top priority ischaracter refinement. There are essentially two types of people in theworld: (1) People who are dedicated to personal growth and (2) peoplewho are dedicated to seeking comfort . Someone whose goal in life is tobe comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the rightthing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION 4: How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is theability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another personpleasure. Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others orare they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this,think about the following: How do they treat people whom they do nothave to be nice to, such as waiters, bus boys , taxi drivers, etc. How do they treat their parents and siblings? Do they have gratitudeand appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who havegiven them everything; Can you do nearly as much for them ? You can besure that someone who treats others poorly, will eventually treat youpoorly as well.

QUESTION .. 5: Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this personafter we're married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intentionof trying to "improve"; them after they're married. As a colleague ofmine puts it: "You can probably expect someone to change after marriagefor the worse" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they arenow, then you are not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn'thave to be difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a littlemore with your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as objectiveas possible when you are dating; to be sure to ask questions that willhelp you get to the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, butwhen you wake up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to findyourself in trouble because you didn't do your homework. Anotherperspective....There are some people in your life that need to be lovedfrom a distance....It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let goof or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere relationships. Observe the relationships aroundyou. Pay attention....Which ones lift and which ones lean? Which onesencourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growthuphill and which ones are going downhill? When you leave certain peopledo you feel better or feel worse? Which ones always have drama ordon't really understand , know, or appreciate you? The more you seekquality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth around you...theeasier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the front rowand who should be moved to the balcony of your life. An African proverbstates, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after youmarry, close one eye"; Before you get involved and make a commitmentto someone, don't let lust, pity, desperation, immaturity, ignorance ,pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warningsigns. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can changesomeone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important . Doyou bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromisewith each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do youbring to the relationship? Do you bring past relationships, past hurt,past mistrust , past pain? You can't take someone to the altar to alterthem. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If youdevelop self-esteem, spiritual discernment , and "a life"; you won'tfind yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness orresponsible for your pain. Seeking status , sex, and security are thewrong reasons to be in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG ARE:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (meal, shared activity, hug, call, touch, notes)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode asresentment withdrawal, abuse, neglect, and dishonesty; and pain willreplace it.

Listen...... love....... learn!

Good day.